It’s healthy to be proactively concerned about the possibility of taking on the illusive qualities of your mother, but this is less of a concern when you commit to dealing with these issues. The fact that you want a different life means you will most likely be able to overcome her pain and ineffective ways of being in the world.

If you become a mother, I recommend reading books, participating in therapy, and/or attending parenting classes to prepare you for the challenges of child rearing, and to learn the skills needed to provide the mothering you didn’t receive. If you ignore or don’t fully deal with the pain of being raised this way, it will haunt you. Memories of being inadequately mothered frequently come up with the birth of a child, and fluctuating hormones don’t help.

It’s at this point that fears and anxiety about doing better than she did will come to the forefront. If you’ve dealt with your ghost-past, this will be less of an issue. The more you heal yourself, the better mother you will become.